i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
