He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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