Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
