John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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