I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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