I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
