why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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