I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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