Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
