Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
