Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
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That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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