My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
