i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think my moral compass just broke
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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