Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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