omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
