I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
