The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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