I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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