Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
