he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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