oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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