exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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