Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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