i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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