did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
