Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I can't trust your balls anymore.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
