im having a threesome with these popsicles
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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