Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
