He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
