Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
