you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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