I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
