U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
