I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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