Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
