you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
