Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
