I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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