if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
