dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
