Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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