if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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