Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
