Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
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she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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