My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
