oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
