I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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