Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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