i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
