This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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