quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i think i have two assholes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
