pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
