6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
