She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
