Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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