she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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