That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
