Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
