So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
